The Nine Circles of Feminist Hell (Washington Post)

 

Guys: Today is a good day.

Today, I got a raise, and successfully argued for an extra 20% off some pants, and didn’t have to make lunch thanks to a VERY solid leftovers game, and wore my favorite socks because L’Oréal says I’M WORTH IT.

But that’s not all. Because, in the midst of an already good day, I also found this article on the Nine Circles of Feminist Hell. 

For me, this article is a kind of holy grail hidden deep within the cesspit we call The Internet: 2016 Edition. It touches on the holy trinity of All the Things I Care About Most: Literature, Pop Culture, and Feminism. It’s also funny, in a snarky sort of way. And isn’t snark our very best weapon against the evils of patriarchy? Besides, like, discerning politicians, quality education, and—apparently—Emma Watson?

My favorite Circles of Feminist Hell, in Alexandra Petri‘s rendering, include:

• Women Who Don’t Appreciate Beyoncé
• “Cool Girls”
• Women Who Enjoyed “Blurred Lines”
• Women Who Judged Other Women For Working/Not Working/Having Kids/Not Having Kids
• Women Who Used Too Many Exclamation Points In An Email

And, of course:

• Women Who Leaned In, But Not Far Enough

Each of these Feminist Sins is met, in true Dantean spirit, with a punishment as just as it is grotesque. For example, Women Who Did Not Pursue STEM Careers are doomed to spend eternity apologizing, then apologizing for having apologized, then apologizing for having apologized for having apologized. And the Women Who Didn’t Help Other Women? Well, I won’t spoil it for you, but let’s just say they have a Special Place in Feminist Hell.

So thank you, Ms. Petri, for being the cherry on top of my day. Consider this my virtual high-five for a job well done. And even if it seems like every woman will be condemned, sooner or later, to Feminist Hell, let’s never, ever Abandon All Hope.

Because, if nothing else, we still have snark.